I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
