I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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