my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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