Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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