I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
