she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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