??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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