what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
