At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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