I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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