he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
