I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
