had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
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why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
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pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats