Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
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But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
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Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy