If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.