I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
soo... how was my night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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