i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
