he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
