Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
