i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
