Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
