Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
