"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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