just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
