i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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