tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
