I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
So much Jack, so little girl.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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