when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
