just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
