he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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