why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
