I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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