well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
