My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
