I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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