my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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