Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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