You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
