I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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