So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
