When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Randomize
