Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
