Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
