woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
