I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
