Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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