fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
im on a boat
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