you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
