apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
