So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
