I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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