we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
