the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
