ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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