I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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