I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
