from now on my penis is your penis
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
