1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
