Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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