I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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