it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
