This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
